aralli: (aniseed)
One of the many, many prayers Aniseed murmurs quietly as she spends much of the week in the chapel.

My Lady, my Lady - stand with me, hold me up, I don't feel strong.

I killed people. Real people, not goblins or undead. I was following my orders, and I think I did the right thing, but - but I'm still a killer. Not a murderer, I don't think, but I'm a killer.

And even the ones I didn't cut down myself, I killed. I ordered the patrol to take them out. I ordered their deaths. Twenty people or more.

Please tell me I did the right thing.

The one I executed ... I know I could have left her to bleed out. Like Nicodemus said, it wouldn't have taken long. She would just have never woken up. But that was a cop-out, that was avoiding the decision You placed before me. You were asking me if I was strong enough to follow my orders and punish the wicked - so I did it. I couldn't let anyone else, I had to, I just - it was hard. So hard. When my sword connected with her neck it felt like lightning was running right through me and burning.

Give me strength. Give me courage. Tell me I did the right thing. And if I didn't, then tell me that too, because I don't want to be ignorant of my sin.

I'm so confused.

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aralli

November 2014

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